I woke up this morning--or what most would call afternoon--to my Facebook newsfeed. Three of the statuses I saw happened to be written by students of the University of Iowa. They wrote things such as: "I'm having some serious Hawkeye withdrawals.." or another that said, "27 days too many until I'm back in Iowa City!". I couldn't help but feel envious at their positions that they were complaining about. I guess you could say I've really had some serious senioritis my junior year in high school. If I knew back in January of my senior year that it would be still a good year before I got to attend college...I would've lost it.
If that wasn't enough, I'm starting to feel a sort of jealousy even towards my friends. Every little thing they do that I can't, I find myself having a pity party for myself. One in particular, let's call him Kevin, who is my best friend in the world, makes me feel more jealous than anyone I know. He's 27, and I'm eighteen. He works out at the local gym (that I used to go to daily), while I sit at home or in a hospital bed. He is going to college in the fall for graduate school, while I'll be at home. He just become a personal trainer whilst I am too scared to even see how much weight I've gained on my home scale. Why does it seem like he's the epitome of youth, while I am beginning to feel like I'm no younger than seventy? I'm honestly beginning to wonder if he's detrimental as my friend in this current situation.
Lastly, as I was taking a bath about thirty minutes ago, cleansing my body with sugar scrub and whatnot, I noticed a lump under my armpit. I shouldn't feel another node. I can't deal with more bad news. It seems that every time I take a step forward, some unknown force is pushing me two steps back.
I've always been a happy person, but I can't even recognize who I've turned into these last few months. I know it's pointless wishing for a life that's long gone, but I feel like I really have nothing to look forward to right now. I can't help but wonder if I'm depressed. I hate that I even have to ask myself that. I just feel so alone in this world. Yes, I have wonderful people in my life, that will be supportive and listen, but they go on with their lives at the end of the day. It's completely selfish of me to wish I wasn't completely alone, but I just wish someone could be there every step of the way, helping me fight this thing off, because sometimes, like my current state of being, I feel as if I can't do this alone anymore.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Understanding Cliches
You know those silly, yet highly addicting, sappy romantic comedies? The ones with the heroine who doesn't want to fall in love because she secretly believes that something so good has to have a catch? Well, sadly, as unrealistic as I feel these movies are, I think that whole idea is true. Except, I didn't learn this lesson via a boy. Well, not exactly anyways...
My life was good. I was a senior in high school, homecoming queen, vice-president of student council, straight-A's, the whole deal--not to mention, I was falling for a guy way too old for me, but that made it more fun. I didn't realize how much I loved my life until it had to cease. ..Again. During Easter Break, I relapsed in Hodgkin's Lymphoma (I had this my sophomore year as well). Before I knew it, I couldn't attend school anymore (even though they let me graduate :D) my hair was gone, and that older guy? Well, let's just say, we just became friends (which probably was for the best). So, this whole summer has been filled with chemo treatments, soon to be a stem cell transplant, and then finally radiation.
Our--mine and the Oncologist's--original plan was to go aggressive on the treatments so I can quickly finish to get to college on time in August. But, despite the rough chemotherapy, the cancer hasn't really dissipated. I would be lying if I said this didn't worry me. So, we've had to delay the stem cell transplant and actually add on chemo treatments. Obviously, it seems like the University of Iowa and Biomedical Engineering/Political Science will have to be put on hold; like the rest of my life.
After contemplation--and trust me, I've had a lot of time to think--I've realized some things. One of them being the cliche, or better known as the life philosophy, "Ignorance is Bliss". God, that's so true. The first time having lymphoma was SO much easier for me. I've realized the only reason this happens to be is because I had no idea what the fuck was going on. So, time passed quickly, I didn't know what to expect. Now, I know it sucks, I know what to expect, and I can't help but be pessimistic somedays. I feel terrible for my parents. They probably assumed I would be their little warrior yet again this time around. I guess you could say I'm quite the contrary. I know Francis Bacon coined the phrase that "Knowledge is Power"; but, you know, I would take happiness over power any day of the week.
The lovely thing is, I KNOW I'll get well again. Whether it be a year, or three years, from now, I will get everything back that was taken away from me by this disease. But, I really hope I come out of this trauma with something new to offer the world. I don't know what it is, or even what God is trying to tell me, but I know it will be something necessary and essential to my wellbeing.
Anyways, my social worker thinks this is a wonderful way to vent. Because, let's be honest, cancer is awkward. It's kinda one of those things in which people just don't know what to say. I understand. The last thing I would ever want to do is make someone feel pity for me. I hate that. But, this has been my life for the last three months, so I need to talk about it. Cancer is on my mind from the moment I wake up, until the moment I fall into a deep sleep (usually around 4 A.M.). To say the least, I just need to let it out sometimes, whether someone is there to listen or not.
Until my next breakdown,
Brenna.
My life was good. I was a senior in high school, homecoming queen, vice-president of student council, straight-A's, the whole deal--not to mention, I was falling for a guy way too old for me, but that made it more fun. I didn't realize how much I loved my life until it had to cease. ..Again. During Easter Break, I relapsed in Hodgkin's Lymphoma (I had this my sophomore year as well). Before I knew it, I couldn't attend school anymore (even though they let me graduate :D) my hair was gone, and that older guy? Well, let's just say, we just became friends (which probably was for the best). So, this whole summer has been filled with chemo treatments, soon to be a stem cell transplant, and then finally radiation.
Our--mine and the Oncologist's--original plan was to go aggressive on the treatments so I can quickly finish to get to college on time in August. But, despite the rough chemotherapy, the cancer hasn't really dissipated. I would be lying if I said this didn't worry me. So, we've had to delay the stem cell transplant and actually add on chemo treatments. Obviously, it seems like the University of Iowa and Biomedical Engineering/Political Science will have to be put on hold; like the rest of my life.
After contemplation--and trust me, I've had a lot of time to think--I've realized some things. One of them being the cliche, or better known as the life philosophy, "Ignorance is Bliss". God, that's so true. The first time having lymphoma was SO much easier for me. I've realized the only reason this happens to be is because I had no idea what the fuck was going on. So, time passed quickly, I didn't know what to expect. Now, I know it sucks, I know what to expect, and I can't help but be pessimistic somedays. I feel terrible for my parents. They probably assumed I would be their little warrior yet again this time around. I guess you could say I'm quite the contrary. I know Francis Bacon coined the phrase that "Knowledge is Power"; but, you know, I would take happiness over power any day of the week.
The lovely thing is, I KNOW I'll get well again. Whether it be a year, or three years, from now, I will get everything back that was taken away from me by this disease. But, I really hope I come out of this trauma with something new to offer the world. I don't know what it is, or even what God is trying to tell me, but I know it will be something necessary and essential to my wellbeing.
Anyways, my social worker thinks this is a wonderful way to vent. Because, let's be honest, cancer is awkward. It's kinda one of those things in which people just don't know what to say. I understand. The last thing I would ever want to do is make someone feel pity for me. I hate that. But, this has been my life for the last three months, so I need to talk about it. Cancer is on my mind from the moment I wake up, until the moment I fall into a deep sleep (usually around 4 A.M.). To say the least, I just need to let it out sometimes, whether someone is there to listen or not.
Until my next breakdown,
Brenna.
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