You know those silly, yet highly addicting, sappy romantic comedies? The ones with the heroine who doesn't want to fall in love because she secretly believes that something so good has to have a catch? Well, sadly, as unrealistic as I feel these movies are, I think that whole idea is true. Except, I didn't learn this lesson via a boy. Well, not exactly anyways...
My life was good. I was a senior in high school, homecoming queen, vice-president of student council, straight-A's, the whole deal--not to mention, I was falling for a guy way too old for me, but that made it more fun. I didn't realize how much I loved my life until it had to cease. ..Again. During Easter Break, I relapsed in Hodgkin's Lymphoma (I had this my sophomore year as well). Before I knew it, I couldn't attend school anymore (even though they let me graduate :D) my hair was gone, and that older guy? Well, let's just say, we just became friends (which probably was for the best). So, this whole summer has been filled with chemo treatments, soon to be a stem cell transplant, and then finally radiation.
Our--mine and the Oncologist's--original plan was to go aggressive on the treatments so I can quickly finish to get to college on time in August. But, despite the rough chemotherapy, the cancer hasn't really dissipated. I would be lying if I said this didn't worry me. So, we've had to delay the stem cell transplant and actually add on chemo treatments. Obviously, it seems like the University of Iowa and Biomedical Engineering/Political Science will have to be put on hold; like the rest of my life.
After contemplation--and trust me, I've had a lot of time to think--I've realized some things. One of them being the cliche, or better known as the life philosophy, "Ignorance is Bliss". God, that's so true. The first time having lymphoma was SO much easier for me. I've realized the only reason this happens to be is because I had no idea what the fuck was going on. So, time passed quickly, I didn't know what to expect. Now, I know it sucks, I know what to expect, and I can't help but be pessimistic somedays. I feel terrible for my parents. They probably assumed I would be their little warrior yet again this time around. I guess you could say I'm quite the contrary. I know Francis Bacon coined the phrase that "Knowledge is Power"; but, you know, I would take happiness over power any day of the week.
The lovely thing is, I KNOW I'll get well again. Whether it be a year, or three years, from now, I will get everything back that was taken away from me by this disease. But, I really hope I come out of this trauma with something new to offer the world. I don't know what it is, or even what God is trying to tell me, but I know it will be something necessary and essential to my wellbeing.
Anyways, my social worker thinks this is a wonderful way to vent. Because, let's be honest, cancer is awkward. It's kinda one of those things in which people just don't know what to say. I understand. The last thing I would ever want to do is make someone feel pity for me. I hate that. But, this has been my life for the last three months, so I need to talk about it. Cancer is on my mind from the moment I wake up, until the moment I fall into a deep sleep (usually around 4 A.M.). To say the least, I just need to let it out sometimes, whether someone is there to listen or not.
Until my next breakdown,
Brenna.
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